May He Rests in Peace

The fact that he has gone tragically, we couldn’t resist it. We just hope we could be there for him.

The fact that he didn’t get the best help he could get, irritates me. It makes me mad but again, I wasn’t there.

We leave under the same sky, what happen to other could happen to us. We share same thing on earth. We could do something or wait something to happen and that will be our choice. But don’t regret something you don’t put effort on.

He has gone, let him be in peace. Everyone can wish something better happened but this is his path, this is his way.

His accident is tragedy for us who are close to him. That’s our lost. We can blame every single thing in the earth that caused that to happen, the poor system, poor help and low awareness of someone’s life. But for our reflection, have we done enough for others? Do it when we can do it. Help it if we could help. We can’t wait and blame something because we do nothing. Do not wait. Sometimes waiting can lead you to the endless regret.

If his way is like this, let it be but at least this could remind us of how important one soul is and how lending hand could be so crucial in someone’s life. He might not be part of your life but let his accident be. If one person is not enough, how many should it be? When one soul is worthless, will two souls make it worth it?

He was my brother, he might be gone for good but he still lives in my heart. I know that I always could count on him whenever or wherever I needed him. But have I given my best for him as what he has given to me? I wish I had.

He might’ve looked such a rebel but deep inside I know that he had the greatest heart, family man, caring and wise. He might’ve gone in his own time, in such a young age but as far I can see, he has gone so that at least for once in a long time, the big family can gather together to pay him respect for last time. It might not be an ideal reason to gather, contact or communicate but at least from what happened, the family can have real time together.

Last thing he told me when I was down, “He has made everything beautiful in its time.” There is time to mourn and I have mourned because I’ve lost you. Home won’t be the same without you.

#life goes on

-vc-

If Only

If only I can turn back time, maybe life won't be this hard. I wish I did what I didn't do or didn't do what I did. I think the unthinkable thing, it makes me sick. I hope this brain can stop thinking for a while, resting for a bit. No, one moment your brain stop functioning is when you fall in love. Is it true? That's what people say.

Thinking couple years back, I wish I followed what my mom said, "come with me to Australia." But instead of following her, I choose to stay, finish my bachelor degree, for what reason? Stupid reason that I could think of back then. Life might be easier if I followed her moving to Australia, transferred my course and finish my bachelor overseas. By now, I might be holding bachelor for Australian university and working somewhere nice, as something I want to be. If only she convinced me harder.

What you now is based on decision you've made. I feel like I was so stupid, with ridiculous reason staying in my home country, fell in love and got lost in the way of love. I wish I wasn't that stupid. I did finish my bachelor degree but then moving to Australia after graduated to continue master, but with no experience and no money, it's bad idea. Then I ended up working as a 'slave', they call the job 'sandwich artist'. I wish I'm an artist not that kind of 'artist'. I was doing that job to survive and save up some money for uni. Where do I end up? I end up in this beautiful little country, New Zealand. Is my life better here? Not really. But finally, I continue my study here, hope it leads me somewhere. Hope this country treats me better.

Hope my life gets easier here but no. It gets harder, I need to be tougher and forced to be stronger. I wish I'm making right decision now so my life can be better. I haven't seen anything yet but one of a friend said, "the dawn is yet to come." Thank you for keep encouraging me. All I need during this period is friends, they keep me sane. Thanks to you all! <3

One decision that I've made and never regret is having you as my beautiful friends in my life.

-vc-

Second Chance?

I was taking a rest in the middle of doing my assignment. I turned on TV and surprisingly the TV was showing reality show called "First Love Second Chance". I was shocked  that kinda thing still exists. It reminds me the old times when I was doing my thesis for my bachelor degree when those kinda shows were  being showed every day on TV in Indonesia and became one of my friend's topic for her thesis. Anyway, long old time, great memories.

Everyone have good and of course bad memories. That show reminded me and popped up one question in mind "will there be a second chance?" I answered it loud and clear "not a chance!" It got me thinking of one quote manages to cut deeply like sword, "Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet, because they missed you the first time." It is for our own sake to be strangers again. That's the best.

It was such a waste, wasting time and energy and it's not recyclable. But there will always be a lesson behind it, they say to make you stronger. Sometimes it sucks being strong. Because when people know you're strong, they think it's ok to hurt you over and over again. But that's the only option, to be strong. Like Abraham Lincoln said, "Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm." Next question is where is the right place? You always know deep down there where the right place is. Stand strong and chin up!

Challenging life ahead, I can't resist it. I might fall, I might fail, but I'll make sure I wake up again and again. D*mn! Life is hard.

-vc-

Long Road for Dreamer

Second month living in New Zealand. It's not like what I expected. Being independent, live with my younger sister, go back to uni, work to survive and do intern to gain experience, last but not least keep writing. But well, I'm here, still doing what I have to do and running my life. I am being squeezed with everything, pushed and pressed. One thing for sure, enjoy the ride!

I start studying again, yes! I am student again. It freaks me out until now. It's a mixed feeling, I am excited to be back, curious about what's going to happen and SCARED! So scared half dying, everything come through my mind, how am I be able to study? Submit the assessment? Manage the time to work and study? How can I cope with everything? All four papers that I take this semester are beyond! I was going to give up and just leave it for good. The readings, the assessments and everything seem to push me to the edge, those are waiting for me to fall down the hill.

I keep trying to catch up with everything, from preparing myself before classes, reading all the materials, keep myself updated with the news around the world, everything I could possibly do including changing papers twice. First one happened because I start uni on second semester so I can't take some of the papers due to other papers that I have to take before taking other one. Second one happened because I joined the first class and I felt out of planet, tried to understand and do something but didn't work, I was so scared. I was thinking to change it to other "scary" paper but the timetable is already perfect for me, then I saw the trailer of "Pursue of Happyness". Will Smith said "You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want something, go get it. Period." Then I emailed my lecture saying I want to change paper right away.

Why I want the other "scary" paper rather than the other one because I saw the handbook, it talks about Indonesia, so I decided to take it, at least I know my country. But it wasn't as easy as I thought it will be, because the class is full, I have to meet and ask the lecture if he can let me join the class. He asked me some questions and finally let me in! He gave me course material and the paper is going to talk about Papua New Guinea, West Timor and so on, that means we're going to talk about Indonesian stories from journalist's perspective. I know it won't be easy, at least I am protecting my dream and I go get something that I want, I don't stay comfortable in the zone, because taking this paper means I have to go to uni four days a week instead of three days.

I feel relieve now, I know I have challenging life in front of me but I got a feeling, good feeling. Like a friend of mine said "Do your best then you will have no regret." I'm doing my best and it's enough for me.

#positive mind

-vc-

Roots Before Branches

D*mn, it's hard. I didn't think that it could be this hard. I did this three years ago and I'm doing it now all over again. It's suppose to be easy right? I've done it. Well, it's not.

People say something happen for a reason, makes me wonder. What is the reason I always move, leave people I love, separate from people I care? I haven't got the answer yet. I'm running my life, keep trying to stay strong, keep going, keep moving. At least I'm trying and every time I feel like quitting, there will always voices around me saying "Don't give up". One more thing my close friend always reminds me "Be grateful".

My close friends say I'm strong. Well, even a hero can bleed. The situation won't get any better and I've been pushed to be stronger. I'm not okay but I have to be okay. I'll be alright.

So many things to do and say
But I can't seem to find my way
But I wanna know how
I know I'm meant for something else
But first I gotta find myself
But I don't know how

Oh, why do I reach for the stars
When I don't have wings to carry me that far?

I gotta have roots before branches
To know who I am before I know who I wanna be
And faith to take chances
To live like I see a place in this world for me

Sometimes I don't wanna feel and forget the pain is real
Put my head in the clouds
Oh, start to run and then I fall
Seeing I can't get it all without my feet on the ground

There's always a seed before there's a rose
The more that it rains, the more I will grow

Whatever comes I know how to take it
Learn to be strong I won't have to fake it
Oh, you're understanding

Oh, but when you come and do it best
There ain't nothing to stopping east to west 

(I'm not sure if this is right)
But I'll still be standing
I'll be standing

#standstrong

-vc-

To Whom It May Concern

Brand new life has begun. I’ve been here (in this new place) for 7 days now. A week wasn’t that long but long enough to make you feel homesick. I was confused with term “home” before but now I realize home isn’t mattered of place, it’s about your heart, where your heart belongs, that’s home for me now. It doesn’t matter how many home I have, what does matter is how I maintain my home.

I’ve been in Australia for almost 3 years, I never think that I’ve done something there. Well, at least for some of my closest friends, I am something. I was surprised and amazed with what they’ve done to me. First, the surprise party, thanks to everyone who has involved to make it happened. I’m shocked, can’t believe that they will do things like that to me. Like I said before “I’ve been surrounded with awesome people in Australia and I’m beyond blessed. Thanks, everyone.”

The other thing is the scrap book that is "Made with love". I can feel how much they love and care about me from that book. I appreciate it, it’s very thoughtful. I read the book on the plane and I couldn’t stop crying since the first page until the last one. And it’s not only the book but also the card I got. It’s not only about the presents, I do love the gifts but it’s more about the existence of me in their life and them in my life. I don’t really know what they really think about me before but after I read the book, again I’m amazed. It contains not only best wishes and prayer but also little thing that made me speechless.

And now that I’m far away from home, I feel so close, because my home will always be here with me, in my heart.

This blog I dedicated to:

• Aarti Shah, thank you very much for the book, soulmate! Thank you very much for everything. You’re my pillar too!
•  Reza Piri, thank you for pushing me through all this and the sheltering angel. Please take care of Miss. Shah.
• Jelena Pelena, please come and visit me here with all the monkeys. :) I’m waiting! And can you add me on Skype please? :D
• Meera Shah, at least that I left the country you came to bring fresh air to the town. Have a great life there. Don’t get contaminated with the monkeys, ok? :p
• Rebecca Graham, Jason Graham and Samantha Graham, thank you very much for making my farewell party the awesomenest! You guys rule! Please keep in touch with me, B. xoxo V
• Raisa Voight or Sugandi, can’t believe I met you again through continent, we’ll meet again somehow, so prepare yourself, Junior! You’re gonna be my b*tch! :p
• Judilyn Bauer, thank you for being amazing friend.:)
• Tung Dung Mai, Mr. Confused please confuse people around you, it’s fun to have you around.:)
• Hussain Jaroodi, baggara! Good luck with everything. Come with Ahmed to NZ. :p Moha should come as well. :p thanks for good memories, guys!
• Justin Batten, thank you for the good times we’ve spent together. :) It’s gonna be unforgettable memories.
• Ray and Ifvan, thanks for coming, guys. :) You guys made my night.
• Will Sit, I hope you’re having great life there without me. :p Be the best prosecutor in town, ok?
• Sebastian Looney, have you find your new partner in crime? :p
• Irvin Ou, your note made me cried even more on the plane. :) have a great life, Irvin, all the best for you too. :)
• Charlene and Sabrina, thank you, girls!
• Sarah Lo, B*TCH!!! Thank you for meeting me that night, at least for once, we party together. Love you, B*tch! Xxx
• Annie and Jenny, my trainer at Subway. Thanks for training me really well. You guys the best trainers!

I’m so sorry I might miss some people, don’t get offended. All of my friends around the world make me who I am today, you’ll always be a part of me. Thank you for everything. Even words sometimes can not describe how grateful I am for having all of you as my friends. :)

Have a great life wherever you are, people! <3
Xxx
-vc-

Effort + Time = Distance

When actions speak louder than words.

Simple expressions like "keep in touch" or "I'll always be there for you" are really sweet. It's nice when someone say that, whether they mean it or not. It's easy to be said but hard to be done. Keep in touch, it's about how you keep the bond, stay in touch when distance separates. And it's about two people making effort to contact each other, spending time to just talk. You can not do that by yourself, it's two way communication, you can not do it alone. Effort will come if you think the relationship is worth it, you will find it silly when someone said "I love you" but they don't do anything or effortless. It's the same like saying "keep in touch" but you become untouchable and unreachable. Don't say it if you can not commit to it, you better don't say a thing and do rather than say something but don't do. There will be a lot of reasons why you become untouchable and unreachable, one common reason is BUSY! Your time is yours, you are the one who have rights to spend it, so don't make an excuse that you don't have time, that doesn't make sense. You have time but you don't want to spend it here, you want to spend it there. You make your own choice for that. And again, it's because the relationship is not worth you time. The actions prove everything. Your words become nothing after you act.

When words can be deathly.

Everyone claim that they deserve the truth but sometimes the truth best keep hidden. Because once it has been said, you can not take it back and it only can be forgiven but not forgotten.  It's irreversible. Human have feelings. Some of them express it freely, some hold it back for some reasons. But when it comes to love, it's just too complicated, the feeling isn't complicated, the commitment is. The words are combined become the vow, the vow that you do become commitment of life, the question is can you commit to that words? It's not only deathly but also never perfect, but the effort for keep doing it, that's the perfection.

What will you do? Will you do? Or will you talk? Or will you walk away now? I will walk away from this country, make more distance here and there. I can't promise that I will always be there for you, I can not keep waiting, we all have life, but I can promise when you need me, I won't be untouchable or unreachable. I'll try to be there when you need me the most. The only thing you have to do just ask. I'm not going anywhere, you can always reach me.

#prove that I'm worth it.

-vc-

MAY

May I be happy?

May I be scared?

May I be sad?

May I be disappointed?

May I be the one? The only one?

I MAY! And this is MAY! I have mixed feeling. I'm freaking out. Finally realize that the clock is ticking. I'm running out of time here. I'm running away from some friends thinking that I have to learn to live without them. Is it the right move? I don't know really. Good bye is always hard. I wish I'm brave and strong enough to deal with it. Enjoy the time here while I can, make the most of it instead of avoiding people around me. I am scared to death! I want to go without regrets. I don't wanna be there and think back that I should have done this or that, I will do it while I can, while I still have a chance. A tiny chance to make the most memorable life here.

I will be fine. I might lose certain things. Losing things isn't the end of the world, losing myself is. Keep myself together, be strong for my own sake. Being strong as a single fighter isn't easy, it's about winning the battle with or without supporter. I have to keep fighting in my own battle until the game is over. I'm running low of power supply but it doesn't mean I have no power.

I will be my last supporter for myself who stand still when everyone is walking away. The most cheerful cheerleader I could ever be through downfalls. The biggest fan of all who adores and admires the idol with the loudest voice. At the end of the day, I will only have strong me, maybe weak for other people but strong enough for my own battle.

MAY I BE ME? Single fighter who struggles her own battle with a hope of winning the life championship. Persistence and endurance, I'm doing my best.

tears and love,

-vc-

Small but Deathly

Compliment in a right amount will help you become better but in the wrong amount it can be destructive. I never can deal with compliment. First, I rarely get a compliment so when I get it I feel like awkward. Some part feel so proud but other part feel off. It's kind of weird when I get a compliment, I start questioning do I deserve it because it's very rare for me to get one but I kind of feel like I deserve it, that is a recognition of hard work.

Since I get a right amount of compliment, I'm fine, it's not destructive for me. It's good to keep me going, productive and positive. Destructive part of compliment is when people keep getting it and make them fly, feel like over the moon and the worst part become a cocky human being. That attitude will bring you down straight away.

It's good to give a compliment after a hard work done, not because you need to give a compliment in return like you owe some, simply just because you appreciate things. It's easy to see flaw in everything, that's human. We tend to see something bad and complain rather than see something good and appreciate. But it will be great if we can see something good and appreciate it. You never know maybe that someone has given their 110% hard work, you might still see some flaws but take a look of the other side and give a little compliment for what they've done, it means a lot for them.

You don't have to reply the compliment straight away after you get it, because a "thank you" will be fine. You don't owe any compliment, you just need to give it genuinely and give it back when you feel they deserve one. Treat your tongue well by giving more good words than bad ones. Everyone will always notice bad stuff but small amount people notice good one. I prefer to be part of that small amount of people. Know the right time to open your mouth to give encouragement or to just shut it.

"The tongue is like a sharp knife, kills without drawing blood."

-vc-

Bitter to Better

Sometimes the reality is so bad that you want to just close your eyes, imagine great thing and wish you can just live in your imagination. Too bad because after you close your eyes, you have to wake up, still dealing with the reality. It won't go anywhere unless you face it. You close your eyes, you cry, you sleep, wake up the next day, it's still there. You have to face it. That's your challenge.

I've been watching too many reality shows. DRAMA QUEEN. It's your life, for real it is. And you are the one who creates the drama with people around you. But since it's your life, you're the star, the main character. You can skip it, you can avoid it but somehow it will come after you and needs to be done no matter how bad you try to escape from it. And once it's done, it's done for good but the next chapter is waiting. You can't deny it, you have to deal with it everyday, every single minute.

Once I realize I can't keep avoiding things, I'm getting really tired. It's actually double job, avoiding it and after that dealing with it, why don't make it simple to just deal with it? I'm exhausted but the only thing I can do is take my time off then get back on. I kept avoiding thing, wishing it will be done by time but I was wrong. Sometimes, it makes things worse. I ran away when all I need to do just to get it done. You won't believe how immature I was, how selfish I was, how sensitive I was, how insecure I was. Time and experiences shape me for who I am now. Not a perfect one unfortunately but at least I can feel that I have been changed for good.

I was easily getting bitter on something. I've been rejected for my whole life I guess. I've been trying to fit in. I've been struggling in life. Life is always hard on me (I'm wondering why), hard to get what I want, hard to communicate what I want and hard to deal emotionally with people. I am an open book but people wouldn't know that I have trust issues. I will never trust someone unless they prove it, they have to earn it and I'm a hardcore for that case. It's hard to get my trust, it's easy to ruin it and you will never get it back after ruined it.

But, I can see myself now, I am not bitter anymore, I'm better. I realize that sometime we have to experience disappointment, get over it. Take a rest if you're tired, cry if you have to but make sure you won't cry for same reason again (like a friend told me) and then move forward. Your life won't be vulnerable forever. There is a time you have to let go things in your life in order to gain something better. You won't lose a thing without a reason. I've lost pretty much everything but for some people I might have a perfect life. I'll keep it that way, I would like to claim that I have a perfect life, ahead.

Our happiness is no one's obligation unless they've applied for a ful-time job to be your partner. Our happiness is ours. If you can't make yourself happy, do not ever wish someone can make you happy. You're independent human being. You're definitely capable making yourself happy. I might be done here but I'm not done there, bring it on. Can't wait.

"She is clothed in strength and dignity. And she laughs without fear of the future."

#positive mind

-vc-

Let It Flow, Let It Go

I want to write but I don't know what to write.
I want to speak my mind but nothing is on my mind.
 

I need a moment, a love, a kiss but I got a cry instead.
A moment to feel loved, to kiss and to know at the end that it's all worth it.

I think I ask too much.
Don't think just do! To do and to get hurt. Non sense cycle.

It isn't about the game of love. It is about commitment.
It isn't about peer pressure. It is about the right time, the one.
It is about the right one.

Love is when you want the best for that person whether it includes you or not.

It's really hard to decide when you're already too tired to hold on, yet too in love to let go.

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying."

What do I know about love? Nothing. I am still learning the art of love. Learn to love while guarding my heart to not be broken over and over again. At the end, this is me, humanly saying thing called love and please noted that human love with reasons. And please never treat someone like a priority when they treat you like an option. You deserve more than that. Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is to stubborn to ask for directions.

#the "you" includes me

-vc-

No Pain, No Gain

I ever said that I do get a second chance in 2012. But I haven’t told you what it is about. So, I live in Brisbane for more than two years now.  My plan is going to uni and taking master degree so I work saving up money to pay for master. But since it’s too expensive I can’t afford it, but still I’m saving up money for studying, meanwhile enjoying life as well. And in Australia I feel like I’m a visitor not a residence. I really wanna live here but seems so hard. So the only thing that I can do is just working my ass off. Being a workaholic, as workaholic as I can.

When you work or do something that you’re not passionate about you will feel sick and tired eventually. You will reach the point when you say “I have enough”. That’s what happened to me as well. But what else I can do, I need it so I do it, give the best out of me. But keep thinking this is not the thing I wanna do. This is way too far from what I dream about.

It’s not that I’m not trying to make it better. But I am stuck and it seems all the doors are closed to me. Until one day, we got residency but not in Australia. So basically we need to move. Again, I know I’m a visitor here but I already spent two years of my life here and it means something but I have to give it up in order to pursue my dream. Is it really my dream? Let’s say it is. If I move I will be able to take master degree, work in something that I’m passionate about and finally settle down. If I can find a job though but it all seems blur now.

It will be like a fresh start for me. I keep getting disappointment from people, I guess I might have disappointed a lot of people. This new start will be a new beginning to do good so at least I hope I won't be disappointed ever again. You can't expect everyone to have the same dedication as you. That is why I put it on me, I expect more from myself.

I just don’t get it how harder could it be? Losing everything I have here, I will certainly do. Starting new life with strangers in new place, that's what I am going to do. The other thought that I have in mind maybe kind of reasoning that this is gonna be hard for me, I know it is gonna be hard but on the other hand I think deeper, it's just maybe because I don't wanna leave my comfort zone? Once again, I am a visitor here but I kinda feel comfortable here, with everything even the things that I don't like. I already have life here, maybe not the life that I want. But what else can I do now? This is my path and I’m walking it.  Say goodbye to the comfort zone and say hi to new life, new adventure and new experience. I’ll move from Australia to new place, start all over again in order to make it better, to get the life I always wanted. New place, new friend and new life. I've survived so far, so I will survive.

#we only have between Hello and Goodbye

-vc-

Big "L"

A LOSER who is losing everything she has. What does she have? That's a good question. In about nine weeks, she will leave everything she "has" in Brisbane and start a new life in Auckland, New Zealand. Just nine weeks, Brisbane. It wouldn't be that bad, it will be quick and easy. Typical human to run away from problems. That's so typical of this loser as well. It's always happening, it happened once before and now it's happening again. Are you going to be a loser for the rest of your life?

This loser thinks she has future with this guy. In your dream, loser! It's not going to happen. She knows also since the beginning her best friend doesn't like this guy, whether her best friend's feeling is right or not doesn't matter. What does matter is she is not get along with this guy. So the loser is in the middle. Does the loser need to take side? If he is a good guy, he wouldn't ask her to take side, this applies to the best friend as well. If she is really a best friend of the loser, she will never ask her to choose. Apparently, the guy knows nothing about this yet and the best friend doesn't want the loser to choose. But somehow in this kinda situation, you just feel that you have to choose between them. And loser already knows, sooner or later she will lose both. Unfortunately, she is not a good keeper, so she is letting everyone go. It's sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.

The loser is ready, to leave and to lose. To leave means running away, it can be it. To lose means having nothing left. Sometimes, we destruct every relationship so that we don't get hurt, but in truth we just hurt ourselves worse in the long run. Someone also said:

"Don't do something permanently stupid just because you're temporarily upset."

Well, too bad. The loser doesn't know what's right or wrong, what's good or bad, what to feel or what to do, she is permanently stupid now.

#wishing the loser the best luck

-vc-

Too Small for The world

I have just been asked: "What is you achievement in the past two years?"

I was thinking, thinking really hard. Could not find the answer. Really desperate. I was like "What have I done?" NOTHING! But I made something up to be able to answer that question, just so I can get over it.

It made me think. Think about all aspects in my life. Still nothing came up. I start to believe that I'm letting myself down. It is easy to compare our life with others, what they have that I don't, but never easy to think what I have that they don't. I feel so pathetic.

I just hope, my time is enough to do everything I want, be able to fulfill my dream, become the person I've been dreaming of. It might be late, but it will never be late for me. This moment maybe a preparation time for me, hope I am ready soon. I am not holding my own blue print, I might have plan but we never know what tomorrow brings, right?

Where there's a will, there's a way. Hope I will be able to find my way and make it happen in my life. I've been letting myself down, I am nothing so far. I keep holding back, I wish I have the strength to do anything I want, stand on my own two feet, carry on. Moving on might not be easy, pushing myself, stretch it out until I move forward, that's what I am going to do. Hard, but who ever promise life will be easy?

-vc-

Brain vs Heart

I can not believe this. I thought I've been stalked by someone but apparently, just my imagination. Such a relieve to know that but the other side feel like an idiot. Anyway, it is just me the whole way. It is just me, myself and I. How can I think that it was someone? Is it because I don't believe in myself?

Sometimes, I don't believe in myself. I need extra support to convince me that I am able. And I am grateful that I am surrounded with very supportive people. Thank you for being around, guys. Thank you may not be enough for everything you've done but that's what I can say from the bottom of my heart. I am amazed that you remember the day I have to face the exam and messaged me simple text "good luck". It means a lot.

Thank you for bringing out the best of me. I am blessed. I know I am not perfect. Selfish. Sensitive. Moody. Possessive. Bossy. Name it! I am not the best. Tough outside, fragile inside. I know sometimes people couldn't stand me. But for some of you who is staying, thank you for sticking around. I don't have anything to be offered, I just have me. I hope one me is enough for you because one you is enough for me.

#make sense?

-vc-

Perfect Flaws

As I am facing my first exam in years, I am absolutely scared. I can say that I might overreacted but it's dramatically freaking out moment for me. First time always makes your feeling unbelievably mixed. You're scared yet excited and curious on the same time. First time will always be unforgettable, especially if it's your first and last shot. Either you'll make it your best or the other way round, it will leave mark. Satisfaction or disappointment. It's your call.

I have to prepare a lot of things before the exam. The pressure is on. I push myself to get the best as I can get. Grammatically perfect. I need to give my best shot so I won't be disappointed with the result. Practice makes perfect, hope what I've done can be a little help for what I'm going through on the exam.

I've been asking everyone who already took the exam. I would say some of them too brilliant. I have to cut this endless comparison and focus with my ability. Be confident. I have to believe that I can do this, give myself a chance to prove something. We have different circumstances and comparing will not make our life happier, easier or better. We have our own strength, embrace that. Everyone has their own flaws, don't be so quick to point out the flaws in other people’s lives when you are not willing to look at the flaws in your own. We got our own thing, good or bad, strength and weakness. Be grateful, be wise.

#cool, calm and confident

-vc-

Simple Life

Nobody will know what's going on in your mind. It's better to express rather than to expect. You already have the NO, take the risk of getting YES. We just have one life. Keep it simple.

#simple me

-vc-

Happy Belated V's Day!

If I have to lose everything so be it, but I hope I won't lose myself. As a matter of fact, people will always disappoint us, that's their nature as human being. But one thing, if you keep sowing a good seed, will you always harvest bad ones? Don't worry. You'll see it, everything has connection and how bad things always bring you to finally experience good things and how good things somehow will bring you down to feel a little pain, it's all happening for a reason which connects every single thing.

Interactions keep me sane. How I connect to others, share stories. I change the focus, not only me, myself and I but others, it helps. How I usually think that I am the only one who suffered and everyone else is always happy and has perfect life. You never know what they've been through. You will never be able to carry their loads. We can always see the outside but not the inside. What they've been keeping inside, it will surprise you.

People always tend to take care of someone else business rather than theirs. That's what happen to me as well, how I feel useful and helpful if at least I can be a good listener for someone who really need ears. And sadly I can always be so wise to give advise to other people's problem but couldn't solve mine. That's pathetic but that's what can help me go through my own life. I might not be able to solve my problems but it feels so good to just have some friends whom you can share your life with and just support each other even that might not solve anything.

The next question: "Where is your friends?" Wherever they are, keep them close to your heart. They are the one who make your life bearable. I won't mention name but you know who you are. Yes, YOU! Thanks to YOU!

with love,
-vc-

Through It All

They say I am tough. Well, I am not.
They say I am strong. Well, I am not.
They say I am independent. Well, I am not.
"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have."

I am independent because I have to not because I want to.
I am tough because I need to not because I can.
I am strong because I am not using my own strength.

If I have to choose, I would love to be dependent. But I know that I have to stand on my own two feet, not only for me but for people around me especially my family. I am a grown-up. Wish I could be a teenager for my whole life but time flies and life goes on. Wish I don't have to be this strong, so people will keep considering me as a fragile creature and fall for my life story, live from people's pity. And if I am using my own strength, I might give up long time ago. I won't be here now still alive even half dying inside.

I don't know what the power is, where it comes from but one thing I know for sure I feel like protected, with too many layers. Someone said it's my mom's prayers. I believe so and the other layers I believe prayers from everyone else which I don't even know or realize.

I am not there yet, haven't reached it but I am fighting here. I am on a training camp, preparation time. Takes ages, but it is not my time, if I can make it my own time, I will set it up whenever I like. I don't even know what I am prepared for. For my dreams? I sometimes wonder, why do I have this big dream that seems can't be done? Why is this so hard for me? Why it seems so easy for everyone else? I don't get it.

Again, something happen for a reason. I have this story that leads to other story. One story opens other stories. I am here for a reason. And I am not done here before I finish my part. I will lose something, I will gain other things. I experience the pain in order to gain. I will do my part, even everyone has their own part in my life, do your part and I'll do mine. We'll finish this with no regrets. When it's time to say goodbye, I would love to hear all of us say: "We did it." There's a reason why you didn't make it to my future or I didn't make it to your future.

I am so sorry for who I am now. I might have hurt people around me. I can not be what you want me to be. You can leave me now, that's your choice. I can't ask you to stay if you don't want to stay. You can always find better person. There are a lot of better people out there but this is me, the originally me. If you can not accept who I am now, you will never accept whom I am gonna be.
"Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means you are strong enough to let go."

#and again I'm letting you go
-vc-

What's on Your Mind?

I bet you are familiar with this question. For once, I will think and answer this question, because I usually just put short status, I never put lines and lines of status on my facebook. So, what is on your mind, Virginia Christie?

I would like to start with last night experience. The dinner, the exhibition, the riverside view, the time we've spent together, made me happy, woke up in the morning feeling so good. Woke up pretty early and can not go back to sleep. Why is it? Is it because I am too happy?

I kept thinking of saying something on facebook but I couldn't find anything to write, I tried quotes, music videos, songs, I just couldn't find the best which can describe my feelings.

I went lunch with my family, spending quality times with them, that makes me realize how I have a FAMILY now. If you know my family's story, you'll understand why I said that.

I went to the shopping center after a while I've never been there because of working too much. Feel so good even I didn't shop a lot, just to see something outside work, finally! It feels so good. And just realize that I want pretty much everything at the shopping center. I want to shop!

I got weekend off. I miss to have weekend off, spending times with the people whom I love. It just feels so right after rough week at work and be able to chill out, have a good time. Maybe a big night out? Yes, please! We're partying tonight!

And since it's February, Valentine's day is around the corner. Everything speak about this event. I am not a big fan but I usually celebrate it with friends, never really celebrate it with someone special but I feel blessed anyway with all my friends. We shared chocolate, stories and love. How I love dark chocolate, my friend loves milk chocolate and my other friend loves white chocolate, so different but love bonds us together through the differences. I miss my friends. Hope you guys are well out there and have a wonderful life.

And I think I started to write again on January last year. And I remember I wrote a note about this month of love on facebook. One more time I say: I'm not a big fan of February, I am a big fan of September! Speaking of September, next question on my mind is: where should I be on my birthday?

#spread the love
-vc-

Let Go

I hate when I can't stop thinking about someone, and deep down inside I know they probably haven't thought about me once. Sometimes, when I miss someone, I care about someone, I start wondering, do they feel the same? Are we on the same page? I wish something in return after I give something, that's human. But if someone do something and I give them something back, what's the point? That's usual. What make me different from them? Nothing, unless I give them more. I wanna make sure that I am different enough and will be able to do something good even people do something bad to me. Well, that's me, hope I am strong enough to keep doing that. I will keep doing what I believe even I get nothing in return.

Then my heart finally told me to stop wasting my time. I'm done with tears. I'm wiping my eyes. If he doesn't care then why the hell should I? In this case, I can not always give, it's such a waste. Life goes on, let's move on. It's sad but sometimes moving on starts with goodbye. I was struggling to move on but now, I will not give a chance of anyone letting me down, including myself. People change for one of two reasons: they have learned a lot or they have been hurt too many times. I believe I've experienced both.

It may seem like the wrong thing to do but you have to forget about the guy who forgot about you. Well, we can not chase the one running from us. If he's dumb enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go. It will always be a love problem that girls don't know how to let her lover go and boys don't know how to keep his lover stay. Most of the time problem happens because the girls are overprotective and the boys are mad because of that. The fact is they get jealous, they get mad, they get worried, they get curious, that's because they care. Sometimes the boys don't understand the way girls love someone.

Anyway, it's not loving if you don't love someone with pain. If you love someone painfully then that's the true love. But, no matter how painful your decision has been, as long as you can sleep well at night, it means that you made the right decision. If broken heart is all that you have, you'll find it how it teaches you to forgive maybe not to forget. It might be broken but it's yours.

#feeling blue, even the sky knows my feeling
-vc-

Ask

All you need to do is just ASK. If you don't ask, don't expect something. No one can read your mind, no one knows what you feel, no one knows what to do if you don't ask or tell them. Communicate your feelings, your mind and your thoughts, everything in you so people won't assume about something and it will end up with misunderstanding or things unspoken.

I experienced this lately. The fresh one when I worked on the other night. The sales nearly even just $7 dollars more, which is just one footlong. It can be anything but I wanted the $7 so bad, I don't know why. I kept looking to the clock and saying: "Come on, people, I just need $7. You can buy chips, cookies, drinks or even sub. Please, you still have 10 minutes to go." No one was there and nothing happened. 5 minutes to close, finally I saw someone coming, I served him but he only bought six inch which is only $5, I needed $2 after that, so annoying. I almost gave up until someone else come and grab footlong chicken fillet which is $10! Yeay, I was done and I closed the store. I was happy.

Moral of the story:
Sometimes, we hold back. we don't wanna ask because we are afraid of rejection or any other reasons. Tons of reasons hold you back, you might not find one reason to ask something but keep in mind, nothing to lose. You will be able to do anything. And you better be careful with your wishes, some might happen, some might not or it will happen beyond what you've asked. Don't be afraid to ask, it's just a matter of asking, if you get it then you'll be happy, if not then nothing to lose.

Another Day, Another Story

I got a day off today. It's raining outside for the whole day, and apparently for the whole week. It's gonna be a wet week. So I stayed at home, I was catching up with some friends, chatting with them. It was nice to interact with them. We were talking about our life, sharing some stories and supporting each other.

I was talking to my best friend about something and she told me to feel it not to over think it. Don't think just feel. If it makes you comfortable then go for it because your comfort will be your happiness. And that's all that matters, your happiness.

Then I found this quote:

"If a man really loves you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t, nothing can make him stay."

It makes sense. You can not force the feeling, even you had the feeling before. You can not force it, think about it or do anything about it except feel it. If you don't feel it then do not try to force it, and if you feel it then go for it. Where there's a will, there's a way. Like I said before if it's meant to be, it's meant to be and if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be, no matter how hard you try to make it happen.

It happens sometime, when you're in a relationship, everything is so beautiful but when you broke up, you feel sick seeing couples around. Everything is bitter. That happens. Feel the bitterness, it's like a medicine to heal you then you will be able to stand up again on your own feet and say: "I'm ready." After the bitterness, you will be able to taste the sweetness again. Be grateful that it happened, you're lucky enough to experience that and still alive, that shows strength, power and spirit in you. You are you, feel the real you.

"Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for it in the world outside."

#you are the controller
-vc-

Family

"The first thing you must do to introduce love to the world: go home and love your family!"

Do you love your family? Will you do everything to make them happy? Do you put them as a priority in life? I am sure YOU DO. No matter how bad your family is, they are you family. As they say blood is thicker than water. You can not deny that they are your family and it applies for the rest of your life. If it's bad, that makes you bad as well. If it's good, that makes you good as well. So, you can make a change for your family.

Sometimes, we forget and take them for granted because we know that they will be there for us forever. But remember this:

"Appreciate what you have, before time teaches you to appreciate what you had."

Don't ever regret that you haven't done anything when you lose them. It won't make them back. You have the time which is now and you have the love. And the right time to love is right now.

You might love the world. You want to change the world. It's pretty big dream. That's good. But big thing starts with small things. If you can't do small things how can you do big? You do big but you don't care small things, that just doesn't make sense. Why do you do big then when your little thing falling apart? Maybe you're too big for doing small? We'll never know. Maybe this world has turned upside down.

-vc-

Happy Chinese New Year!

I called home. I talked to my big family. Guess what? I have been questioned with two deathly words: "who?" and "when?"

It got me thinking. They asked me: "do you have boyfriend?" Well, I don't, I questioned myself again: "do I?" Well, I'm pretty sure, I am single. And, since someone is getting married, they also asked me: "when will you get married?" Well, I don't have a partner so how come I get married? I wish I could marry myself.

And apparently I am turning 25 this year! Happy? Sad? I don't know but I should prepare a big present for myself from me and by me. What should I do? Where should I go? I need to celebrate it!

Anyway, after calling my big family, I feel so homesick. I miss them all! I wanna go home! I wish I can go home.

#let me go homeee
-vc-

Relationship or "Real"ationship?

I have seen my closest friends and family being in a relationship with someone. They all have different stories. Some love to be always in a relationship, can not stand to be single. Some love to be in a on-off relationship, break-ups easily, being together again so easy like blinking your eyes. Some love to play hard to get and make sure everything is right. Some love to play easy to get and just change partners like changing cloths. They are all different.

I can not say which one is right and which one is wrong, I am not here for that. I just wanna see it in different angle. I think that when someone in a relationship, you have to consider a lot of things. Are you happy with the relationship? Are you happy with your partner? Are you the real you in that relationship? Or are you pretending to be someone you are not? Does the relationship change you? For good? For bad? Are you still the same person that everyone knows? Does the relationship keep you a distance from your beloved friends or family?

The point is when your are in the real relationship, you don't have to change who you are, you don't have to change a thing. It won't make you uncomfortable if you're being yourself. It won't keep you a distance from your friends and family. That real relationship will make you shining bright and make you as close as you can with your love ones like never before. Because if you feel the opposite then you have to question your relationship, is it for real?

Because after all family and your true friends are the one who will be there for you, even on your worst. So if that person makes you trade your precious one, is that person really the one? Because when you trade everything you have just to get your only one, you better make sure that they're the one or you'll end up having nothing if you lose them. Exclusive relationship doesn't always have to draw you apart from everyone.

-vc-

It's My Life: It's Now or Never

You let yourself being out there in this crazy world just prepare to experience the good and the bad. The good of course will make you happy. But are you ready for the bad one? Even this fact doesn't help:


"At the end of the day, you can either focus on what's tearing you apart or what's holding you together."


We always ready to experience good thing, we never be well-prepared for the bad things. We know even we're doing good things, bad things still can happen to us. Well, the question is: Will you focus on the positive or the negative side? We can always mourn or put ourselves back together.


You always have a freewill, you can always choose anything. To be good or to be bad. To be negative or positive. That decision is in your hand. You are tired being good all the time and wanna be bad, so be it. But remember, there will always be consequences. What's on your mind? Positive or negative, it will appear through your actions. You can't pretend at all times, sometimes the true you will come out, will it surprise people? In a good or bad way?


I've been living in this world for almost 25 years now. I trace back to what I've experienced, good and bad. Family, friends, every moments and every details help me to grow. I experienced bad things, so I am used to it somehow. I keep thinking what the worst thing that could happen? I've experienced it somehow but yet I am still here. So, I am not really familiar with happiness. I meant not really, I am happy with my life but the bad part took more space than the good one. Apparently, I've been holding on what's tearing me apart.


I've experienced bad things but am I a bad person? I don't know, I can not really say. But, I am pretty sure, it affects me. I become really negative. It's really hard for me to trust someone but when I trust them, you won't believe what's going to happen. I am not used to compliments, never really had real compliments in my life except from studies. So, I am a really bubbly and friendly figure but deep inside I'm struggling with myself. I wear "mask" for my whole life. I try to fit in. Tried so hard. People might see me full of confident but I don't have that. And I am so selfish because I never get the attention, I always have to share and being 'shadows' so I always want everything for me and to me.


That was me in my home country. I moved here two years ago. I can say, I've been changed for good. It opens my eyes somehow. I wasn't being me because of the judgement, the pressure and everything. I was afraid to show my true color. But here, you can be anything you want without being afraid of what people gonna say, what people gonna think, what people gonna do because they mind their own business, don't really care about someone else's. I can explore everything and not afraid to try something new and it feels good to just be me and they don't mind with me. I am still struggling and yet I am growing on the same time.


I am who I am from what inside me say who I am not from outside me. I learned a lot of things here and I am so grateful that I finally found my path. I am walking on it with pride because this is me and this is my life. Takes a long time but I don't mind. I am here and I will always be here from now on. And now I am focus on what's holding me together.


#for the better


-vc-

Don't Stop Believing

Does it hurt?
Does it make me bleeding?
Does it kill me?
If it hurts so bad and make me bleeding inside but doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger. Somehow I feel like I've reached the peak point and I won't be able to handle it, I have enough but wait! If it doesn't kill me, I'm not quite there yet. I have seen rugby players. They play their best, they play to win, are they bleeding during the game? Sometimes, quite bad if I can say, do they stop to take care of their wound? Yes, for a while and get back to the game. Unless they're injured and broke their body part. They're fighting until the end, they will never stop, don't even know a "quit" word.

That's the real spirit that I need. In life, I've experience bad things. It makes me bleeding inside out, does it make me stop? Wanna stop but don't feel like quitting. Still have the spirit and last energy to survive. I've been smashed but it won't stop me. I will stop if I am dead body. I wanna see at the end, I stand still and look back to everything I've been through and proudly say it's nothing. I did it and I win it. I know I'm not there yet but I keep walking even with my one foot, if I lose my feet, I'll crawl, I'll do everything to keep moving forward, to keep going, to keep growing.

#if I can, so do you

-vc-

The Lost of the iPhone

Technology is being improved all the time to help us. It helps but makes us rely on it, too dependent. For example telephone, it helps us to communicate with others by calling or messaging them, it's for saving time rather than sending letter which might take sometime. I get the benefits of technology but the further it grows, the further people become so far away from each other even if they're still communicating.

Letter is a simple thing, people used to send letters or cards but now a days they barely do that except wedding invitation maybe. The feelings when you receive a letter is beyond now because you can say it's private, confidential and you can feel the effort of sending letters. People don't care anymore, holiday season, they will send you the same message all at once to everyone, even worse use Facebook to send everything.

I am a big fan of Facebook and I used smartphones before and I can say I am addicted to it. I rely on my phone so much, everything in there, all the data and stuff. It helps me to keep up with my friends. But now that I have to give up my smartphones, changes everything. I can't keep up with my friends. Is it really that bad if you don't have smartphones? Well, in some way, I will say yes. Because, I need most of the data in there and I can't access those data with old phones. The other things, I might say no. It feels good not to rely on Facebook and use the phone all the time, instead you're having a full time living your life communicate with people who really want to communicate with you and put some effort for that. I love sending letters and post cards. I feel like I appreciate my friendship and I show the love to all the people whom I sent the letters to. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate them if I communicate with them through Facebook, it means I appreciate their existence more. It takes more thoughts and more effort to send letters than to just click post button on Facebook.

It's just a matter of does technology change you or you change the technology. Become the subject or object. I prefer to be the subject since we, human invented it. So we can control it. It's good to use it wisely. You can value your relationship with someone more than that, make them feel special like you're special for them. Better world with technology but is it better person?

#better world needs better people
-vc-

True or False?

I wish I have lots of useful things in my brain so I can tell meaningful things to others rather than passing over some issues or gossips. Even if it's the truth, the fact is sometimes honesty hurts. It's the matter of the messenger to pass it on or keep it secret. Some things are good to be hidden but is it fair for someone to not know the truth? Isn't it like stealing someone's right to know the truth? Sometimes, we just don't have the courage to face the truth, to have the argument, to deal with it. Because when you do it, without you knowing the things are sorted by itself.

If you can not open up your self to someone, then you are not worth to be even bonded with the person. Because how good or bad someone, there will always be someone else can stand that, even the worst. That's what you call true friend. It's good to know that someone will always be there for you no matter what and always love you, support you, do everything for you and wish the best for you. And I'm glad I have true friend.

Some friends are meant to be friends, even you try to be more. If they're not meant to be then they are not meant to be. My wise little sister told me:
"We're having someone in life just to make our life bearable."
If you don't have someone as in a partner, don't worry. It's better to focus with what you have rather than with what you don't have. Your true friend can help you, make your life bearable. Don't be afraid of arguing, fighting, facing and telling the truth, sometimes we need it to keep us growing. Better a slap in a face from a friend rather than a million kisses from an enemy. Friend always can be a reminder, they always can think clearly while we can't. If it's meant to be, nothing can separate us.

-vc-

NEW YEAR 2012

2011 has been so great after all. I could say that it was amazing. But unfortunately, I need to work on New Year's Eve when everyone are party-ing hard, waiting for the fireworks while spending time with their love ones. New Year's Eve 2011 wasn't the only year that I spent without my family. It has been two years in a row without my family. Somehow that's fine because I know they're thinking of me and they're in my heart as well so we're close, so close. Even we're physically far away.

Since, we're working on New Year's Eve, we decided to party on the night before which is Friday night. I had a blast with my best friend, my "son" and some others. The night was awesome, couldn't ask for more. I was hanging out with the best. (I'm so sorry to someone who is in Sydney) We wrapped up that night beautifully.

Then we have to work on the next day the whole night. We served all the customers. I should've felt bad because I was working instead of having fun but I didn't feel bad at all. Because apparently work was fun, we worked hard but we laughed hard as well. Too much entertainment that day. What do you need on New Years anyway rather than the happiness itself? And we have it even though we were working.

After the rough year, it ended up smoothly and with all the happiness around, it's just perfect. A good smile to start 2012, hope the smile will last the whole year. New Year, new us! Better us, better life! Smile to any possibilities in life. That what will make you survive. Happy New Year, everyone! <3

#be happy, be bright!

-vc-