Through It All

They say I am tough. Well, I am not.
They say I am strong. Well, I am not.
They say I am independent. Well, I am not.
"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have."

I am independent because I have to not because I want to.
I am tough because I need to not because I can.
I am strong because I am not using my own strength.

If I have to choose, I would love to be dependent. But I know that I have to stand on my own two feet, not only for me but for people around me especially my family. I am a grown-up. Wish I could be a teenager for my whole life but time flies and life goes on. Wish I don't have to be this strong, so people will keep considering me as a fragile creature and fall for my life story, live from people's pity. And if I am using my own strength, I might give up long time ago. I won't be here now still alive even half dying inside.

I don't know what the power is, where it comes from but one thing I know for sure I feel like protected, with too many layers. Someone said it's my mom's prayers. I believe so and the other layers I believe prayers from everyone else which I don't even know or realize.

I am not there yet, haven't reached it but I am fighting here. I am on a training camp, preparation time. Takes ages, but it is not my time, if I can make it my own time, I will set it up whenever I like. I don't even know what I am prepared for. For my dreams? I sometimes wonder, why do I have this big dream that seems can't be done? Why is this so hard for me? Why it seems so easy for everyone else? I don't get it.

Again, something happen for a reason. I have this story that leads to other story. One story opens other stories. I am here for a reason. And I am not done here before I finish my part. I will lose something, I will gain other things. I experience the pain in order to gain. I will do my part, even everyone has their own part in my life, do your part and I'll do mine. We'll finish this with no regrets. When it's time to say goodbye, I would love to hear all of us say: "We did it." There's a reason why you didn't make it to my future or I didn't make it to your future.

I am so sorry for who I am now. I might have hurt people around me. I can not be what you want me to be. You can leave me now, that's your choice. I can't ask you to stay if you don't want to stay. You can always find better person. There are a lot of better people out there but this is me, the originally me. If you can not accept who I am now, you will never accept whom I am gonna be.
"Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means you are strong enough to let go."

#and again I'm letting you go
-vc-