No Pain, No Gain

I ever said that I do get a second chance in 2012. But I haven’t told you what it is about. So, I live in Brisbane for more than two years now.  My plan is going to uni and taking master degree so I work saving up money to pay for master. But since it’s too expensive I can’t afford it, but still I’m saving up money for studying, meanwhile enjoying life as well. And in Australia I feel like I’m a visitor not a residence. I really wanna live here but seems so hard. So the only thing that I can do is just working my ass off. Being a workaholic, as workaholic as I can.

When you work or do something that you’re not passionate about you will feel sick and tired eventually. You will reach the point when you say “I have enough”. That’s what happened to me as well. But what else I can do, I need it so I do it, give the best out of me. But keep thinking this is not the thing I wanna do. This is way too far from what I dream about.

It’s not that I’m not trying to make it better. But I am stuck and it seems all the doors are closed to me. Until one day, we got residency but not in Australia. So basically we need to move. Again, I know I’m a visitor here but I already spent two years of my life here and it means something but I have to give it up in order to pursue my dream. Is it really my dream? Let’s say it is. If I move I will be able to take master degree, work in something that I’m passionate about and finally settle down. If I can find a job though but it all seems blur now.

It will be like a fresh start for me. I keep getting disappointment from people, I guess I might have disappointed a lot of people. This new start will be a new beginning to do good so at least I hope I won't be disappointed ever again. You can't expect everyone to have the same dedication as you. That is why I put it on me, I expect more from myself.

I just don’t get it how harder could it be? Losing everything I have here, I will certainly do. Starting new life with strangers in new place, that's what I am going to do. The other thought that I have in mind maybe kind of reasoning that this is gonna be hard for me, I know it is gonna be hard but on the other hand I think deeper, it's just maybe because I don't wanna leave my comfort zone? Once again, I am a visitor here but I kinda feel comfortable here, with everything even the things that I don't like. I already have life here, maybe not the life that I want. But what else can I do now? This is my path and I’m walking it.  Say goodbye to the comfort zone and say hi to new life, new adventure and new experience. I’ll move from Australia to new place, start all over again in order to make it better, to get the life I always wanted. New place, new friend and new life. I've survived so far, so I will survive.

#we only have between Hello and Goodbye

-vc-

Big "L"

A LOSER who is losing everything she has. What does she have? That's a good question. In about nine weeks, she will leave everything she "has" in Brisbane and start a new life in Auckland, New Zealand. Just nine weeks, Brisbane. It wouldn't be that bad, it will be quick and easy. Typical human to run away from problems. That's so typical of this loser as well. It's always happening, it happened once before and now it's happening again. Are you going to be a loser for the rest of your life?

This loser thinks she has future with this guy. In your dream, loser! It's not going to happen. She knows also since the beginning her best friend doesn't like this guy, whether her best friend's feeling is right or not doesn't matter. What does matter is she is not get along with this guy. So the loser is in the middle. Does the loser need to take side? If he is a good guy, he wouldn't ask her to take side, this applies to the best friend as well. If she is really a best friend of the loser, she will never ask her to choose. Apparently, the guy knows nothing about this yet and the best friend doesn't want the loser to choose. But somehow in this kinda situation, you just feel that you have to choose between them. And loser already knows, sooner or later she will lose both. Unfortunately, she is not a good keeper, so she is letting everyone go. It's sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.

The loser is ready, to leave and to lose. To leave means running away, it can be it. To lose means having nothing left. Sometimes, we destruct every relationship so that we don't get hurt, but in truth we just hurt ourselves worse in the long run. Someone also said:

"Don't do something permanently stupid just because you're temporarily upset."

Well, too bad. The loser doesn't know what's right or wrong, what's good or bad, what to feel or what to do, she is permanently stupid now.

#wishing the loser the best luck

-vc-

Too Small for The world

I have just been asked: "What is you achievement in the past two years?"

I was thinking, thinking really hard. Could not find the answer. Really desperate. I was like "What have I done?" NOTHING! But I made something up to be able to answer that question, just so I can get over it.

It made me think. Think about all aspects in my life. Still nothing came up. I start to believe that I'm letting myself down. It is easy to compare our life with others, what they have that I don't, but never easy to think what I have that they don't. I feel so pathetic.

I just hope, my time is enough to do everything I want, be able to fulfill my dream, become the person I've been dreaming of. It might be late, but it will never be late for me. This moment maybe a preparation time for me, hope I am ready soon. I am not holding my own blue print, I might have plan but we never know what tomorrow brings, right?

Where there's a will, there's a way. Hope I will be able to find my way and make it happen in my life. I've been letting myself down, I am nothing so far. I keep holding back, I wish I have the strength to do anything I want, stand on my own two feet, carry on. Moving on might not be easy, pushing myself, stretch it out until I move forward, that's what I am going to do. Hard, but who ever promise life will be easy?

-vc-

Brain vs Heart

I can not believe this. I thought I've been stalked by someone but apparently, just my imagination. Such a relieve to know that but the other side feel like an idiot. Anyway, it is just me the whole way. It is just me, myself and I. How can I think that it was someone? Is it because I don't believe in myself?

Sometimes, I don't believe in myself. I need extra support to convince me that I am able. And I am grateful that I am surrounded with very supportive people. Thank you for being around, guys. Thank you may not be enough for everything you've done but that's what I can say from the bottom of my heart. I am amazed that you remember the day I have to face the exam and messaged me simple text "good luck". It means a lot.

Thank you for bringing out the best of me. I am blessed. I know I am not perfect. Selfish. Sensitive. Moody. Possessive. Bossy. Name it! I am not the best. Tough outside, fragile inside. I know sometimes people couldn't stand me. But for some of you who is staying, thank you for sticking around. I don't have anything to be offered, I just have me. I hope one me is enough for you because one you is enough for me.

#make sense?

-vc-