Instancy vs Insanity

The fast paced life demands full on speed which leads to instant life style. If I could sit back and see everything around me which I could and I am doing it right now, I can see clearly how my life is a product of instancy. When was the last time I can sit back and relax without being rushed? I go for dinner in the restaurant, try to enjoy good meal, great company and time off from busy life, but at the end they will rush me up course by course then bill me so I get out from the restaurant!! Even when I am enjoying my time somewhere cozy, I will always get distracted by emails, all updates from my social media. When? When really exactly I can breath free from any distractions and just let my mind rest? Except when I sleep maybe even so sometimes text messages or calls wake me up in the middle of the night.

At the end, I ask myself, what do I want? Is all this worth it? All the instancy don't take me anywhere except to the insanity. I cannot sit down and relax for a bit, it drives me nuts eventually. It already shows its toll on me because I am mad! I get cranky and crazy if something doesn't happen. I want everything fast, in instance, so if it takes time, it irritates me. If the process takes more time than what I already set, it annoys me.

Obviously, these past years aren't really the time of my life but well, I've learned a lot, I hope I have. Don't get me wrong, maybe I am the most ungrateful person in the world. I am grateful though, really grateful for what I have and have done. But to keep experiencing this for almost five years which don't get me anywhere, it's beyond frustrating. I wish I could see a little light at the end of the tunnel, but I cannot see anything that is why I am in my corner right now, wishing and convincing myself that "All is well" for gazillion times, hope the mantra will work eventually. But for now, it's dark, so dark. The mystery that needs to be unveiled sooner or later. All I need is a chance but it seems that's the only thing I cannot have, it seems I will never get what I want, hope I'm wrong.

#storyofmylife #midlifecrisis #miserable

-vc-