Sane vs Insane

When did the last time i write? A month ago. And i just realized about that because one of my friend asked me. (Thanx for reminding me, pal!) He asked me why did i stop? Why i don't write anything lately? Well, i keep thinking about the reason why then it leads me to the best reason that i could ever find. I'm busy keeping myself sane in this insane world.

I've been struggling.
I've been doing something i don't even like. For what? For keeping me alive and survive financially.
I've been doing the best in that something that i don't like. For what? For keeping me being excellent in everything i do.

I'm tired.
With my own thoughts.
Why did i move here? For taking master degree, what am i doing now? 180 degrees the opposite, not even close for taking master degree.
I graduated two years ago. What have i done? Do i have career? Do i have something that i can be proud of? Don't mean to compare my life with others but cant help myself for not seeing those images all over the place. Friends have great job, great career, great life, married, have children, perfect pictures of life.

I keep listening people say it's all about time. Maybe this isn't my time. I have to wait right time, right people to discover me and right partner (inspired from Captain America movie). Being rejected all the time, being alone, that's my thing. I have invisible tag above my head said Forever Alone and for your information Rejection is my middle name. I have to wait, i am waiting and i am sick and tired of waiting. While the world keep producing things instantly, i have to wait, looks like i can't get something instantly. Where am i living? I'm living in the world, am i not?
It's all about the process not the result but i am pretty sure when you live in this insane world, they'll make you think the other way around. It's about result, B***h! They don't care if you've tried so hard, you've done your best, it's just not enough if the result don't meet the expectation. Everyone has their own expectation, high-average-low. That caused competition and again it's about the result, win or lose! So everyone is competing each other to be a winner, they will use anything and anyway to get the expected result. For the fair play, they might still think to use good way but again this world is insane and unfair! They try so hard for being a winner not being excellent, why? Because this world doesn't care whether you're excellent or not, this world only cares if you're winning.

So why am i here again? Keeping my mind sane in this insane world! Try not to follow this insane world while i am still living in this world, maybe that's why i am alone and being rejected all the time.

With lots of tears,

-vc-